We're Engaged!

After over 2 years of a very blessed dating relationship, Jonathan and I are now officially engaged! :)

As a preface to "The Story", I've actually known for quite some time that this moment was coming, and frankly was growing anxious about why it had not occurred yet. That's just "me being a girl" for you! We picked out the ring in late January, and I knew it was ready for pickup at the store in mid-July...but July came and went, and the days and weeks kept creeping on. Jonathan assured me that he simply hadn't asked yet because he had some grandiose plan that had 'certain time constraints' which he could not explain without giving it away.

We experienced a bit of financial setback, and I began to wonder if perhaps he hadn't asked yet because of money, or because of his job...and eventually I began to just wonder "oh no! What if he's just not ready??? Am I pushing him???". In reality, Jonathan's big grandiose plan had actually fallen through, and the poor guy was just as ready to get engaged as I was, but was uncertain he could come up with a romantic Plan B for the proposal.

The Story:

Monday night, I went to my first grad school class (which was awesome, btw) and left feeling quite elated. I headed over to our church young couples fellowship group directly afterward, which happens to be hosted by the family that Jonathan is staying with temporarily. After Couples Group, I stayed to spend some time with him.

We played Guitar Hero for a bit (yes, my engagement shall forever be associated with Guitar Hero, ha ha) and then he could tell something was weighing on my mind. He eventually pried out my nervous thoughts concerning questions over why he had not proposed yet. He then paused and said "Well, maybe this will help....Close your eyes."

I closed my eyes and heard him rummaging around--at this point, I figured he was going to let me 'visit' my ring (which I have affectionately dubbed "My Sparkly") in an effort to tide over my pent up emotions for another few weeks until he actually went through with his big proposal plan.

Instead, he sat back down beside me and said "Imagine that I..." and proceeded to walk me through his original grandiose proposal plan, helping me to see each detail bit by bit. At the end of the story he said "now imagine that I get down on one knee, and ask you...". After his story was finished, he said regretfully that it cannot happen that way anymore (another long story, but let's just say there was a major component of the plan that recently became an impossibility). He then asked me to open my eyes. When I did, he opened the ring box and asked me for REAL. He said "Sarah, will you be my Queen?" which is special, because my name means Princess and he calls me that all the time :)

It took me a minute or two to catch on that he was actually asking, not just telling the story anymore, but then he said "I just couldn't wait any longer to ask you. I don't want to wait any more." and I was relieved, because I didn't want to wait any longer either! It was killing me! I said yes, and I will never, ever forget the precious look of joy and raw emotion on my future husband's face when he realized that, in his words "you are finally mine".

After the proposal, we left the house and drove into Percy Warner Park, which is a huge park with lots of hiking trails and a scenic drive. Jonathan took me up to a beautiful overlook of the foothills and the perfectly clear, starry night sky. As we were standing outside enjoying the moment, I saw the biggest shooting star I have ever seen in my life! It went all the way from one end of the sky to the other, and lasted for several seconds. It was amazing, and a perfect ending to our night.

So, there you have it--We're engaged!

He showed up to my workplace the next morning with a beautiful vase of roses, which was very sweet and thoughtful :) I really do feel like a princess--he's my hero!

Precious Daughter of the King

As far as my spiritual life goes, this year has been mostly about trying to reconnect with the truth of who God is. I have spent many days pondering His existence, His love, and the reality of His power in my life. I have not at all times been convinced of each of these things; my sinful nature unfortunately creates this insatiable need to be in control of my own life and thereby ignore God. I have really lost the ability to see Him very much, other than experiencing an intense connection with Him when singing praise and worship songs in church.

Two Sundays ago, I was reminded of His power.

For the first time in a few months (since beginning my hostess job), I was able to go to church. Jonathan had to work that day, so I came alone and sat on the aisle next to dear friends from our church young couples group. I was so relieved and at peace to finally be able to be at church, where I knew God would speak to me in ways He does not when I am home on my couch.

During the first few moments of the service, our pastor, Randy, began to talk about a man named Barnabas in the Bible. Baranabas, he said, means "Son of Encouragement." My mind began to wander, as it often does when provoked with good thoughts, and I wondered how many people out there actually live up to what their name means. I pondered my own name, Sarah, which is translated from the Hebrew word for "princess". I'm definitely not royalty of any kind, and I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those pretentious looking tiaras even on my wedding day....but I am the daughter of a king. I'm the daughter of the King, in fact. Probably not why my mother gave me that name, but I still managed to live up to its meaning when I chose to follow Christ.

Service continued. During the first prayer, a few moments were offered during which we prayed for our own individual needs. I remember consciously ignoring my desire to pray for a supernatural experience or for divine knowledge and instead simply asking God to teach me who He is. It was communion Sunday, which is my favorite because we spend so much time singing and reflecting. For me, there is no better way to connect with God in an emotional way. After making my way to the front of the room for communion, I knelt on the cushy kneeler and sang a few more lines before motioning to recieve the bread and wine.

My sin is all I have to give
I lay it at your feet and find I live

Randy (our pastor) happened to be the person serving communion at the spot I knelt at. He approached me when I gave a slight nod, and offered me the bread and wine with these words:

"A new name he has given you: Precious Daughter of the King."

And then I cried. I cried because I suddenly knew that God had heard me...He had listened, and answered a question I had forgotten that I had asked. He showed me not only who He is - a God who hears - but who I am as well.

A Presence of Thieves

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life I have been
I have squandered till pallid and thin
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win

--Jennifer Knapp "Martyrs and Thieves"

For just over 2 years now I have been at the mercy not of the good Lord but of self-hatred, toxic shame, and immense guilt, all resulting in drastic unbelief and an unraveling of the foundations of my very faith.

As a "newer" Christian, I suppose it makes sense that after spending my first three years of belief in a Christian Bubble (ACU), I would question my faith in its entirety after leaving. Upon my arrival in Nashville, I realized that didn't know what was real or what I had just picked up along the way; and, as my own sinfulness grew, those initial seeds of doubt were nurtured until they had grown into a tangled web of vines which I now find myself entrapped by.

I currently feel as though I have so many things wrong with me that there is no way to even begin to sort out the mess that I have become after 24 years practicing the art of royally screwing up.

I have allowed my life to be ruled by my own inadequacies, insecurities, inferiorities, and, above all, shame. I have been consumed by the need for a man, unbelief in anyone's ability to ever understand me, and a feeling of complete and utter unworthiness of love. I have let fear and distrust resulting from my childhood and adolescence mock me from the shadows of my present life. I have crushed my heart under the weight of guilt over the way things ended with my first love. I have hoisted walls around my heart in a futile effort to avoid being wounded, betrayed, and damaged by the failed promises of love and faithfulness of yet another man. I have traded pieces of my personality, beliefs, image, and lifestyle to avoid experiencing rejection of my true self by those I have unhealthily and desperately clung to. Worst of all, I have denied my God and forgotten how to believe in the One who gives me my very breath.

Like Elijah, I am standing on a mountain in the unavoidable presence of the Lord. There has been great and powerful wind tearing my mountain apart, shattering the rocks of my foundation, and the Lord has not been in the wind. There have been earthquakes and fires wreaking havoc on this mountain I stand upon, and the Lord has not been in the earthquakes and fires. Rather, He is in the faint and gentle whisper that I hear now that my mountain has crumbled to pieces, leaving a cloud of dust through which I hear:

"What are you doing here, Sarah? Come home."