Cliche, I know.

To be completely honest, I haven't spoken to God in months. I have become so frustrated and wrapped up in my own life that I can no longer just let go of my own ideas and turn to God for help. Stupid, right? I guess when it comes down to it, I'm what you would call a doubter. In spite of the passion I have for God in times of complete faith, I tend to slide in and out of believing that any of it is real, or that any of it means anything to my life; and, since I don't want to just go through the motions of faith, I stop altogether.

And now, after a year of ignoring God, I am: a) too scared to give up control, and b) not really sure I believe it would make a difference if I did.

I used to walk out my door and see skies and grass and (in those glorious times when I happen to be vacationing in higher altitudes) mountains and know that God made it all. I could SEE Him in it all, FEEL Him in it all. Now when I walk out my door, all I see is my dinged up car that takes me to work and class and Jonathan's apartment, and the mailbox where I'm expecting my next check to arrive, and the concrete slab of pavement that takes me to both. I've forgotten what it feels like to taste and see that the Lord is good. Well, not 'good'. More like 'real', 'ever-present' and 'mighty'.

I am empty, and sad, and longing so much just to be back in that place where I ask God what HIS plan is for me...but I'm too afraid of having to give up my own plans. Cliche, I know, but I always say that there is a reason things become cliche--they are things that people experience over and over and over again.

So, for those of you who have already been stuck in this cliche a few times....where am I, and how do I get out?

"You Don't Have to Fake a Smile for Me"

To Jonathan, with love:

Lights out, you are alone, unobserved
You choose something that I would not
Now that I have you
And you say that this just isn’t about me
But you don’t think you’re ready to give up the extra sideshow
Well, I don’t know if I’m okay with that.

You’re just a man—I understand you can’t be perfect.
And when we're through it all, it will be worth it in the end,
Because I still want you to hold me,
Even though it’s you who hurt me,
So I can hear you say:
“You don’t have to fake a smile for me.”

Maybe I should have seen this sooner
Or connected the dots before
But you say that you didn’t mean to do this to me
That it’s just something that is different for the guys
Well, I don’t know if I’m so sure of that

You’re just a man—I understand you can’t be perfect.
And when we're through it all, it will be worth it in the end,
Because I still want you to hold me,
Even though it’s you who hurt me,
So I can hear you say:
“You don’t have to fake a smile for me.”

There will be surprises (though hopefully not like this)
And they may make us wonder what else we might have missed,

But you won't have to fake a smile for me.
You don't have to fake a smile for me.

Again and Again

There was a small period of time during which I fully trusted God. I remember the essence of those two short months--sweet peace, slight nervousness, deep breaths, and high hopes. I had just moved to Nashville, and I had nothing to distract me. No roots, no history, and barely a social life. God was my Source of truth, and especially my Source of guidance. With nothing and no one else to affect my decisions in life, He had full control over His child...and I learned what it felt like to not have to worry, for two short months.

I guess that makes me understand a little better why some people choose to live their lives out in complete solitude, all monk-ed out in robes and silence. It's so easy--and so richly fulfilling--to be alone with God. You can ask the questions and actually hear the answers, instead of a thousand voices in your mind that each want to please a different part of your busy life. Oh, the voice of God! I've forgotten what that sounds like! Even now, struggling to remember the taste of it all, I know that giving all control to Him tasted better than anything I could plan for myself.

And yet.

I sit here on my bed, fingers and toes freezing (which is completely off the point), trying to figure out the loopholes in that inescapable Call of God.

"Trust in Me and do good; delight yourself in Me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to Me; trust in Me and I will do this."

You want me to WHAT? Trust You?? Suddenly, with all the voices competing for my attention in my life, trusting God is not so easy. Neither is giving up the things that are muffling His voice. See, I think I try hard--very hard--not to listen to God when I know I am choosing to follow my own way. I know His way is better. I know His way could never harm me. But, I doubt highly that His way results in my happy ending. Oh, it ends in "a" happy ending--just not the one I've been meticulously planning throughout all of my purposeful sin.

Every time I choose to be what I want to be, I somehow manage to forget that I am not the only one who knows and is capable of fulfilling the deepest desires of my heart. My sin is simply a representation of the fact that 9 days out of 10, I just don't believe enough in the power of the God I love. I've convinced myself that only I can fulfill my wildest dreams, that I am in charge. As a result, I'm afraid to speak to the God whose only wish is for me to come to Him.

Does this sound familiar? I think it happens to all of us, and the only cure is Surrender.

I have to decide if I'm willing to do that. Again. And again. And again....and again......

Reasons Why

"Where am I today? I wish that I knew...'cause looking around, there's no sign of You. I don't remember one jump or one leap--just quiet steps away from Your lead. I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too, feeling just short of a love that we once knew. Calling this home when it's not even close, playing the role with nerves left exposed. Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines. Others have excuses...I have my reasons why. We get distracted by the dreams of our own. Nobody's happy while feeling alone. Knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, we lean another ladder against the wrong wall. And climb high to the highest rung, shake fists at the sky. Others have excuses...I have my reasons why. With so much deception its hard not to wander away...It's hard not to wander away."

--Nickel Creek "Reasons Why"