"You Don't Have to Fake a Smile for Me"

To Jonathan, with love:

Lights out, you are alone, unobserved
You choose something that I would not
Now that I have you
And you say that this just isn’t about me
But you don’t think you’re ready to give up the extra sideshow
Well, I don’t know if I’m okay with that.

You’re just a man—I understand you can’t be perfect.
And when we're through it all, it will be worth it in the end,
Because I still want you to hold me,
Even though it’s you who hurt me,
So I can hear you say:
“You don’t have to fake a smile for me.”

Maybe I should have seen this sooner
Or connected the dots before
But you say that you didn’t mean to do this to me
That it’s just something that is different for the guys
Well, I don’t know if I’m so sure of that

You’re just a man—I understand you can’t be perfect.
And when we're through it all, it will be worth it in the end,
Because I still want you to hold me,
Even though it’s you who hurt me,
So I can hear you say:
“You don’t have to fake a smile for me.”

There will be surprises (though hopefully not like this)
And they may make us wonder what else we might have missed,

But you won't have to fake a smile for me.
You don't have to fake a smile for me.

But For a Season

Curled up on my big, comfy green couch, my mind wanders, begging for some distraction--however small--from the hours of studying that inevitably lie ahead. All I want to do is pull a throw blanket over my body and go limp with sweet sleep. I don't even know why I'm so tired...I suppose it's just my body's way of repaying me for everything I've put it through this summer, trying to take classes and clean houses and house hunt and be a great girlfriend and a great friend-friend and somehow stay on top.

I sink back into the cushions and close my eyes, listening to Colleen McCarron singing through my laptop beside me.

"Do you ever wake up lonely and missing me, or that cool September night? 'Cause though it's been three years, I can't seem to forget you, baby, or what your kisses tasted like. So give it back to me, wasn't yours, wasn't yours for the keeping, though I gave you a piece, I am pleading, and my wounds won't stop bleeding. I just want my heart," she pleads.

I dreamed about Jonathan last night--the first Jonathan. I don't remember much of it, except that it involved "just one last kiss...just one." I can't believe it's been three years since we made the memories that still play in my mind today. There's no longer any rhyme or reason to my thoughts of him; only in my unawares does my heart still turn back in any way. I remember, even a short time ago, thinking of him every day, in complete consciousness. Bonnie once told me I may always think of my first love, until I meet the man who would be my greatest love. I always listened to Bonnie, because my God spoke so much to me through her. Time and again, her words have held true. I smile, knowing that she was right once more. My wounds have finally stopped bleeding, and my heart is finally back in the right Hands.

"Do you ever waste your thoughts on our memories? Then wish you did things differently? 'Cause though it's cliche, everything it happens for a reason, I was yours but for a season, and right now it does and doesn't feel that way. So give it back to me, wasn't yours, wasn't yours for the keeping, and though I gave you a piece, I am pleading, and my wounds won't stop bleeding. I just want my heart."

Whispers of His assurances seep into my mind as I lie there in my living room, ignoring my Microeconomic text. Last fall, He promised me that I would love again, soon, but just not today'. He reminded me that He has always been faithful to me, and would be again. Lo and behold...He was. My Love crept into my life when I wasn't looking, and didn't even want to look anymore. In fact, I'd given up on finding anyone who would match the love I felt for my first love--it seemed impossible. And yet, God has proved faithful once again. How sweet is our Lord, to give so freely and fully, while knowing we will never be able to repay him.

Oh Father, I don't deserve the love that I have in my life. I don't deserve the kindness, the selflessness, the protectiveness that You offer through him. At the same time, I don't want to continue feeling guilty for accepting the gifts that You offer me...Help me, Lord, to simply be filled with joy and love for You when I look at what my life overflows with. Help me to thank You more, to love You more, and to be humbled by Your willingness to love me in spite of all my many failings. And help me not to dwell on my failings, but to dwell on Your perfect ways. I know I am asking a lot, Father...I know that all too well. But I need You to step in and override the doubts and frustrations and insecurities in my heart. Please, Father, take them from me and replace them with Your holy touch. In Christ's name I pray, amen.