A Presence of Thieves

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life I have been
I have squandered till pallid and thin
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win

--Jennifer Knapp "Martyrs and Thieves"

For just over 2 years now I have been at the mercy not of the good Lord but of self-hatred, toxic shame, and immense guilt, all resulting in drastic unbelief and an unraveling of the foundations of my very faith.

As a "newer" Christian, I suppose it makes sense that after spending my first three years of belief in a Christian Bubble (ACU), I would question my faith in its entirety after leaving. Upon my arrival in Nashville, I realized that didn't know what was real or what I had just picked up along the way; and, as my own sinfulness grew, those initial seeds of doubt were nurtured until they had grown into a tangled web of vines which I now find myself entrapped by.

I currently feel as though I have so many things wrong with me that there is no way to even begin to sort out the mess that I have become after 24 years practicing the art of royally screwing up.

I have allowed my life to be ruled by my own inadequacies, insecurities, inferiorities, and, above all, shame. I have been consumed by the need for a man, unbelief in anyone's ability to ever understand me, and a feeling of complete and utter unworthiness of love. I have let fear and distrust resulting from my childhood and adolescence mock me from the shadows of my present life. I have crushed my heart under the weight of guilt over the way things ended with my first love. I have hoisted walls around my heart in a futile effort to avoid being wounded, betrayed, and damaged by the failed promises of love and faithfulness of yet another man. I have traded pieces of my personality, beliefs, image, and lifestyle to avoid experiencing rejection of my true self by those I have unhealthily and desperately clung to. Worst of all, I have denied my God and forgotten how to believe in the One who gives me my very breath.

Like Elijah, I am standing on a mountain in the unavoidable presence of the Lord. There has been great and powerful wind tearing my mountain apart, shattering the rocks of my foundation, and the Lord has not been in the wind. There have been earthquakes and fires wreaking havoc on this mountain I stand upon, and the Lord has not been in the earthquakes and fires. Rather, He is in the faint and gentle whisper that I hear now that my mountain has crumbled to pieces, leaving a cloud of dust through which I hear:

"What are you doing here, Sarah? Come home."

Cliche, I know.

To be completely honest, I haven't spoken to God in months. I have become so frustrated and wrapped up in my own life that I can no longer just let go of my own ideas and turn to God for help. Stupid, right? I guess when it comes down to it, I'm what you would call a doubter. In spite of the passion I have for God in times of complete faith, I tend to slide in and out of believing that any of it is real, or that any of it means anything to my life; and, since I don't want to just go through the motions of faith, I stop altogether.

And now, after a year of ignoring God, I am: a) too scared to give up control, and b) not really sure I believe it would make a difference if I did.

I used to walk out my door and see skies and grass and (in those glorious times when I happen to be vacationing in higher altitudes) mountains and know that God made it all. I could SEE Him in it all, FEEL Him in it all. Now when I walk out my door, all I see is my dinged up car that takes me to work and class and Jonathan's apartment, and the mailbox where I'm expecting my next check to arrive, and the concrete slab of pavement that takes me to both. I've forgotten what it feels like to taste and see that the Lord is good. Well, not 'good'. More like 'real', 'ever-present' and 'mighty'.

I am empty, and sad, and longing so much just to be back in that place where I ask God what HIS plan is for me...but I'm too afraid of having to give up my own plans. Cliche, I know, but I always say that there is a reason things become cliche--they are things that people experience over and over and over again.

So, for those of you who have already been stuck in this cliche a few times....where am I, and how do I get out?

"You Don't Have to Fake a Smile for Me"

To Jonathan, with love:

Lights out, you are alone, unobserved
You choose something that I would not
Now that I have you
And you say that this just isn’t about me
But you don’t think you’re ready to give up the extra sideshow
Well, I don’t know if I’m okay with that.

You’re just a man—I understand you can’t be perfect.
And when we're through it all, it will be worth it in the end,
Because I still want you to hold me,
Even though it’s you who hurt me,
So I can hear you say:
“You don’t have to fake a smile for me.”

Maybe I should have seen this sooner
Or connected the dots before
But you say that you didn’t mean to do this to me
That it’s just something that is different for the guys
Well, I don’t know if I’m so sure of that

You’re just a man—I understand you can’t be perfect.
And when we're through it all, it will be worth it in the end,
Because I still want you to hold me,
Even though it’s you who hurt me,
So I can hear you say:
“You don’t have to fake a smile for me.”

There will be surprises (though hopefully not like this)
And they may make us wonder what else we might have missed,

But you won't have to fake a smile for me.
You don't have to fake a smile for me.

Again and Again

There was a small period of time during which I fully trusted God. I remember the essence of those two short months--sweet peace, slight nervousness, deep breaths, and high hopes. I had just moved to Nashville, and I had nothing to distract me. No roots, no history, and barely a social life. God was my Source of truth, and especially my Source of guidance. With nothing and no one else to affect my decisions in life, He had full control over His child...and I learned what it felt like to not have to worry, for two short months.

I guess that makes me understand a little better why some people choose to live their lives out in complete solitude, all monk-ed out in robes and silence. It's so easy--and so richly fulfilling--to be alone with God. You can ask the questions and actually hear the answers, instead of a thousand voices in your mind that each want to please a different part of your busy life. Oh, the voice of God! I've forgotten what that sounds like! Even now, struggling to remember the taste of it all, I know that giving all control to Him tasted better than anything I could plan for myself.

And yet.

I sit here on my bed, fingers and toes freezing (which is completely off the point), trying to figure out the loopholes in that inescapable Call of God.

"Trust in Me and do good; delight yourself in Me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to Me; trust in Me and I will do this."

You want me to WHAT? Trust You?? Suddenly, with all the voices competing for my attention in my life, trusting God is not so easy. Neither is giving up the things that are muffling His voice. See, I think I try hard--very hard--not to listen to God when I know I am choosing to follow my own way. I know His way is better. I know His way could never harm me. But, I doubt highly that His way results in my happy ending. Oh, it ends in "a" happy ending--just not the one I've been meticulously planning throughout all of my purposeful sin.

Every time I choose to be what I want to be, I somehow manage to forget that I am not the only one who knows and is capable of fulfilling the deepest desires of my heart. My sin is simply a representation of the fact that 9 days out of 10, I just don't believe enough in the power of the God I love. I've convinced myself that only I can fulfill my wildest dreams, that I am in charge. As a result, I'm afraid to speak to the God whose only wish is for me to come to Him.

Does this sound familiar? I think it happens to all of us, and the only cure is Surrender.

I have to decide if I'm willing to do that. Again. And again. And again....and again......

Reasons Why

"Where am I today? I wish that I knew...'cause looking around, there's no sign of You. I don't remember one jump or one leap--just quiet steps away from Your lead. I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too, feeling just short of a love that we once knew. Calling this home when it's not even close, playing the role with nerves left exposed. Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines. Others have excuses...I have my reasons why. We get distracted by the dreams of our own. Nobody's happy while feeling alone. Knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, we lean another ladder against the wrong wall. And climb high to the highest rung, shake fists at the sky. Others have excuses...I have my reasons why. With so much deception its hard not to wander away...It's hard not to wander away."

--Nickel Creek "Reasons Why"

It's Christmas Break!!!

Well, friends, another semester down (after one more final)! Now I only have one year left before I walk outta here with my Music Business degree. What I shall do with it, only time will tell...probably nothing, but at least I'll have my undergrad.

Jonathan and I are headed to Texas on the 18th, where I will scurry around doing fun and exciting bridesmaidly duties for Erin's wedding on the 22nd, then we'll have Christmas with my family on the 23rd, fly to Chicago on Christmas Eve, have Christmas with his family, play with his friends until we fly back to Texas on the 30th, spend New Years Eve in Dallas, then drive back to Nashville on the 1st! WHEW!

So that's the exciting Christmas Break plan...then onward to a 19 hour semester followed by a 6 hour summer followed by a 13 hour grand college finale. Ahh, the end is sort of in sight!

Viktor FOUND!!! :)

After an 11-day ordeal, my beloved kitty cat, Viktor, is no longer MIA. Turns out he was close--very close--the whole time, just like all my research said he probably was.

Lindsay and I pulled into our driveway around 4pm yesterday after doing some shopping. We noticed that the neighbors three doors down were out. We were surprised to see them, because they're never out--not even their small children, who could safely play in our culdesac, but never do. They are the only neighbors in our small culdesac of about 8 houses that I have not been able to meet and talk with during Viktor's disappearance. The one time I was able to get them to answer their door, the man's brother answered and I couldn't talk to the man who lived there. Spanish speaking people, they seemed to have a limited grasp of English, which made things difficult. I was never able to search their yard or garage.

When we pulled in, the man came running over to our car, and said "I found your cat!". I was skeptical and calm; the neighborhood cat is short-haired and black, and many people have confused him for my missing long-haired black cat with a red collar (sigh). However, he went on to say "I look in my garage and I see something black, and I reach in and he is there. I put him on your porch."

I immediately asked "How long ago was this??" and he said a couple of days. "Well did he have a red collar on?" I asked. I was still not convinced this was my cat.

"He had a, a necklace, yes, I put him on your porch. He look very clean, I think someone must have him in their house and he got out and ran in my garage." the man said.

"Wait, HOW long ago was this??" I asked again--this very nice man did not seem to know his English words well. This time, the man said "About 30 minutes ago".

At this point Lindsay and I sprang into action. I was slightly pissed off that this man stuck my lost cat on my porch where he could (and very well might) just run off again for the nearest hiding spot. Also a little pissed that this guy did not take five minutes to look in his garage when I put flier after flier on all my neighbors' houses trying to get them to do so. I'm sure Viktor has just been curled up in a frightened ball in this family's garage for the past 11 days.

Lindsay ran around the back of the house--I ran up to the front porch hoping he might still be there. As soon as I stepped on the front steps and called his name, I heard a yowling noise that surely could not belong to my squeaky-meowed Viktor. I looked all around, and finally realized he had slunk off the porch and was huddled in a tight ball betwen the bushes and the corner of the house steps, eyes as big as saucers. He saw me and immediately crawled under the railing and into my arms.

He is about 3-4 pounds lighter, has a lot of matted fur, doesn't smell very nice, is sneezing a lot, and was very hungry/dehydrated, but I think he'll be okay after a few days and a flea bath. He was very happy to be back in the house, and he won't leave me alone. He's normally pretty affectionate, but now he even follows me around, literally jumps into my arms (the lap isn't good enough, he has to be held over my shoulder like when you burp a baby), felt a great need to wake me up every few hours last night, and just wants me to hold him for like ten minutes at a time while he purrs and gives me kisses!

I'm so glad to have my baby back. Thank you everyone for your prayers and encouragement! Now let's hope he recovers from this traumatic experience very soon!