"You Don't Have to Fake a Smile for Me"

To Jonathan, with love:

Lights out, you are alone, unobserved
You choose something that I would not
Now that I have you
And you say that this just isn’t about me
But you don’t think you’re ready to give up the extra sideshow
Well, I don’t know if I’m okay with that.

You’re just a man—I understand you can’t be perfect.
And when we're through it all, it will be worth it in the end,
Because I still want you to hold me,
Even though it’s you who hurt me,
So I can hear you say:
“You don’t have to fake a smile for me.”

Maybe I should have seen this sooner
Or connected the dots before
But you say that you didn’t mean to do this to me
That it’s just something that is different for the guys
Well, I don’t know if I’m so sure of that

You’re just a man—I understand you can’t be perfect.
And when we're through it all, it will be worth it in the end,
Because I still want you to hold me,
Even though it’s you who hurt me,
So I can hear you say:
“You don’t have to fake a smile for me.”

There will be surprises (though hopefully not like this)
And they may make us wonder what else we might have missed,

But you won't have to fake a smile for me.
You don't have to fake a smile for me.

Again and Again

There was a small period of time during which I fully trusted God. I remember the essence of those two short months--sweet peace, slight nervousness, deep breaths, and high hopes. I had just moved to Nashville, and I had nothing to distract me. No roots, no history, and barely a social life. God was my Source of truth, and especially my Source of guidance. With nothing and no one else to affect my decisions in life, He had full control over His child...and I learned what it felt like to not have to worry, for two short months.

I guess that makes me understand a little better why some people choose to live their lives out in complete solitude, all monk-ed out in robes and silence. It's so easy--and so richly fulfilling--to be alone with God. You can ask the questions and actually hear the answers, instead of a thousand voices in your mind that each want to please a different part of your busy life. Oh, the voice of God! I've forgotten what that sounds like! Even now, struggling to remember the taste of it all, I know that giving all control to Him tasted better than anything I could plan for myself.

And yet.

I sit here on my bed, fingers and toes freezing (which is completely off the point), trying to figure out the loopholes in that inescapable Call of God.

"Trust in Me and do good; delight yourself in Me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to Me; trust in Me and I will do this."

You want me to WHAT? Trust You?? Suddenly, with all the voices competing for my attention in my life, trusting God is not so easy. Neither is giving up the things that are muffling His voice. See, I think I try hard--very hard--not to listen to God when I know I am choosing to follow my own way. I know His way is better. I know His way could never harm me. But, I doubt highly that His way results in my happy ending. Oh, it ends in "a" happy ending--just not the one I've been meticulously planning throughout all of my purposeful sin.

Every time I choose to be what I want to be, I somehow manage to forget that I am not the only one who knows and is capable of fulfilling the deepest desires of my heart. My sin is simply a representation of the fact that 9 days out of 10, I just don't believe enough in the power of the God I love. I've convinced myself that only I can fulfill my wildest dreams, that I am in charge. As a result, I'm afraid to speak to the God whose only wish is for me to come to Him.

Does this sound familiar? I think it happens to all of us, and the only cure is Surrender.

I have to decide if I'm willing to do that. Again. And again. And again....and again......

Reasons Why

"Where am I today? I wish that I knew...'cause looking around, there's no sign of You. I don't remember one jump or one leap--just quiet steps away from Your lead. I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too, feeling just short of a love that we once knew. Calling this home when it's not even close, playing the role with nerves left exposed. Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines. Others have excuses...I have my reasons why. We get distracted by the dreams of our own. Nobody's happy while feeling alone. Knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, we lean another ladder against the wrong wall. And climb high to the highest rung, shake fists at the sky. Others have excuses...I have my reasons why. With so much deception its hard not to wander away...It's hard not to wander away."

--Nickel Creek "Reasons Why"

It's Christmas Break!!!

Well, friends, another semester down (after one more final)! Now I only have one year left before I walk outta here with my Music Business degree. What I shall do with it, only time will tell...probably nothing, but at least I'll have my undergrad.

Jonathan and I are headed to Texas on the 18th, where I will scurry around doing fun and exciting bridesmaidly duties for Erin's wedding on the 22nd, then we'll have Christmas with my family on the 23rd, fly to Chicago on Christmas Eve, have Christmas with his family, play with his friends until we fly back to Texas on the 30th, spend New Years Eve in Dallas, then drive back to Nashville on the 1st! WHEW!

So that's the exciting Christmas Break plan...then onward to a 19 hour semester followed by a 6 hour summer followed by a 13 hour grand college finale. Ahh, the end is sort of in sight!

Viktor FOUND!!! :)

After an 11-day ordeal, my beloved kitty cat, Viktor, is no longer MIA. Turns out he was close--very close--the whole time, just like all my research said he probably was.

Lindsay and I pulled into our driveway around 4pm yesterday after doing some shopping. We noticed that the neighbors three doors down were out. We were surprised to see them, because they're never out--not even their small children, who could safely play in our culdesac, but never do. They are the only neighbors in our small culdesac of about 8 houses that I have not been able to meet and talk with during Viktor's disappearance. The one time I was able to get them to answer their door, the man's brother answered and I couldn't talk to the man who lived there. Spanish speaking people, they seemed to have a limited grasp of English, which made things difficult. I was never able to search their yard or garage.

When we pulled in, the man came running over to our car, and said "I found your cat!". I was skeptical and calm; the neighborhood cat is short-haired and black, and many people have confused him for my missing long-haired black cat with a red collar (sigh). However, he went on to say "I look in my garage and I see something black, and I reach in and he is there. I put him on your porch."

I immediately asked "How long ago was this??" and he said a couple of days. "Well did he have a red collar on?" I asked. I was still not convinced this was my cat.

"He had a, a necklace, yes, I put him on your porch. He look very clean, I think someone must have him in their house and he got out and ran in my garage." the man said.

"Wait, HOW long ago was this??" I asked again--this very nice man did not seem to know his English words well. This time, the man said "About 30 minutes ago".

At this point Lindsay and I sprang into action. I was slightly pissed off that this man stuck my lost cat on my porch where he could (and very well might) just run off again for the nearest hiding spot. Also a little pissed that this guy did not take five minutes to look in his garage when I put flier after flier on all my neighbors' houses trying to get them to do so. I'm sure Viktor has just been curled up in a frightened ball in this family's garage for the past 11 days.

Lindsay ran around the back of the house--I ran up to the front porch hoping he might still be there. As soon as I stepped on the front steps and called his name, I heard a yowling noise that surely could not belong to my squeaky-meowed Viktor. I looked all around, and finally realized he had slunk off the porch and was huddled in a tight ball betwen the bushes and the corner of the house steps, eyes as big as saucers. He saw me and immediately crawled under the railing and into my arms.

He is about 3-4 pounds lighter, has a lot of matted fur, doesn't smell very nice, is sneezing a lot, and was very hungry/dehydrated, but I think he'll be okay after a few days and a flea bath. He was very happy to be back in the house, and he won't leave me alone. He's normally pretty affectionate, but now he even follows me around, literally jumps into my arms (the lap isn't good enough, he has to be held over my shoulder like when you burp a baby), felt a great need to wake me up every few hours last night, and just wants me to hold him for like ten minutes at a time while he purrs and gives me kisses!

I'm so glad to have my baby back. Thank you everyone for your prayers and encouragement! Now let's hope he recovers from this traumatic experience very soon!

"I miss my cat!" Prayer request!

Last Tuesday night (9/11), we had a fun little get-t0gether for Jonathan's birthday, at my place. For the first time since my roommates and I moved in to our new place, it was cool enough to open up the windows and turn the air off. A not so well taken care of rental, some of the house windows have screens and some do not. We opened up the ones with screens and simply cracked the ones that did not...or so I thought. Unfortunately, one window was accidentally left open, and my beloved house-cat, Viktor, escaped from it. I noticed his absence around 11pm.

Since Viktor is, as my roommate said, "like my child", I am naturally quite upset. I pretty much go to class, go to internship, and then come home and search for my kitty. I've set up 2 rented humane traps every night since Day 2 of the escape, and our front porch reeks of fish. I've crawled under neighbors' houses and through their underbrush, etc.

It's been over a week now, and hopefully he will get hungry, and braver, and come out from wherever he is hiding.

Please pray for him to be safe and for him to find his way back home or into one of my traps. And pray that I can keep a hopeful outlook, and stay positive.

Thanks, friends...it means a lot to me.

But For a Season

Curled up on my big, comfy green couch, my mind wanders, begging for some distraction--however small--from the hours of studying that inevitably lie ahead. All I want to do is pull a throw blanket over my body and go limp with sweet sleep. I don't even know why I'm so tired...I suppose it's just my body's way of repaying me for everything I've put it through this summer, trying to take classes and clean houses and house hunt and be a great girlfriend and a great friend-friend and somehow stay on top.

I sink back into the cushions and close my eyes, listening to Colleen McCarron singing through my laptop beside me.

"Do you ever wake up lonely and missing me, or that cool September night? 'Cause though it's been three years, I can't seem to forget you, baby, or what your kisses tasted like. So give it back to me, wasn't yours, wasn't yours for the keeping, though I gave you a piece, I am pleading, and my wounds won't stop bleeding. I just want my heart," she pleads.

I dreamed about Jonathan last night--the first Jonathan. I don't remember much of it, except that it involved "just one last kiss...just one." I can't believe it's been three years since we made the memories that still play in my mind today. There's no longer any rhyme or reason to my thoughts of him; only in my unawares does my heart still turn back in any way. I remember, even a short time ago, thinking of him every day, in complete consciousness. Bonnie once told me I may always think of my first love, until I meet the man who would be my greatest love. I always listened to Bonnie, because my God spoke so much to me through her. Time and again, her words have held true. I smile, knowing that she was right once more. My wounds have finally stopped bleeding, and my heart is finally back in the right Hands.

"Do you ever waste your thoughts on our memories? Then wish you did things differently? 'Cause though it's cliche, everything it happens for a reason, I was yours but for a season, and right now it does and doesn't feel that way. So give it back to me, wasn't yours, wasn't yours for the keeping, and though I gave you a piece, I am pleading, and my wounds won't stop bleeding. I just want my heart."

Whispers of His assurances seep into my mind as I lie there in my living room, ignoring my Microeconomic text. Last fall, He promised me that I would love again, soon, but just not today'. He reminded me that He has always been faithful to me, and would be again. Lo and behold...He was. My Love crept into my life when I wasn't looking, and didn't even want to look anymore. In fact, I'd given up on finding anyone who would match the love I felt for my first love--it seemed impossible. And yet, God has proved faithful once again. How sweet is our Lord, to give so freely and fully, while knowing we will never be able to repay him.

Oh Father, I don't deserve the love that I have in my life. I don't deserve the kindness, the selflessness, the protectiveness that You offer through him. At the same time, I don't want to continue feeling guilty for accepting the gifts that You offer me...Help me, Lord, to simply be filled with joy and love for You when I look at what my life overflows with. Help me to thank You more, to love You more, and to be humbled by Your willingness to love me in spite of all my many failings. And help me not to dwell on my failings, but to dwell on Your perfect ways. I know I am asking a lot, Father...I know that all too well. But I need You to step in and override the doubts and frustrations and insecurities in my heart. Please, Father, take them from me and replace them with Your holy touch. In Christ's name I pray, amen.